Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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