found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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