yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
