You just made me feel so damn special
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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