Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
