This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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