just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
