WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
