we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
