Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
