You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
