just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
