I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just google imaged poop.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
