Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A+ Viking dick
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
