So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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