You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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