i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
