Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
