i'm signing you up for texting rehab
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
