I wish my penis had an off switch
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
