this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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