Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
not ubering you a puppy
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
