so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
