There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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