I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
