Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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