Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
