I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
