new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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