I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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