at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
