dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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