tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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