Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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