If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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