I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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