I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
