i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
