How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
