I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
