Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
