Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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