He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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