If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
