He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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