This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
