So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
where are my eyebrows?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
