Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We had to coat check the pizza.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
