you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
