Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
