Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
