I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
